Maybe a bluejay from the ashes?

Over a year since the last posting. I was a habitual blogger growing up, though since the medium was Diaryland, I suppose habitual diarist may be more fitting.

I was listening to an archived episode of This American Life earlier, and not only was I scandalized to find out that Ira Glass is fifty (50! - too old to be so sure of oneself) I was deeply interested by the assertion that part of the reason we, as humans, have a cringe reaction to things is that we find out that other people do not view us as we think we are.

This was a big moment for me. I've often been wounded by finding out that I am perceived by others as something different than how I see myself. I remember someone laughing, laughing out loud, during an ASL class when I was practicing how to say "People think I'm mean, but I'm really not". She wasn't laughing at the absurdity of the thought; she was laughing at how mean I really was. After that, every time we practiced together for an exam, I would have to excuse myself at some point to disappear outside and cry. She thought I was mean, surely my grammatical notes on the conversation must be seen as the ultimate insult to her being.

While I do suffer from moments of overconfidence, it must be said that my ego is rather fragile. I habitually build up a wall around myself in order to defend against offenses from every side. I try to anticipate the rejection before it comes, and at times I fear that this comes off as me being overly hostile.

Well, after a long hiatus from the internet (none of which made a splash in any way, shape or form on the larger blogosphere, so why I speak as though you know me, I'm not sure) I feel like a rise from the ashes- maybe not a phoenix, because I do not feel reborn, but maybe a steady, trustworthy pigeon. I am capable of domestication but there is a primal instinct in me that has no place in the space I've been given. I will explain myself periodically, but likely the content will be true to how I see myself. A lone linguistics nerd trying to find her place in the world.