Maybe a bluejay from the ashes?

Over a year since the last posting. I was a habitual blogger growing up, though since the medium was Diaryland, I suppose habitual diarist may be more fitting.

I was listening to an archived episode of This American Life earlier, and not only was I scandalized to find out that Ira Glass is fifty (50! - too old to be so sure of oneself) I was deeply interested by the assertion that part of the reason we, as humans, have a cringe reaction to things is that we find out that other people do not view us as we think we are.

This was a big moment for me. I've often been wounded by finding out that I am perceived by others as something different than how I see myself. I remember someone laughing, laughing out loud, during an ASL class when I was practicing how to say "People think I'm mean, but I'm really not". She wasn't laughing at the absurdity of the thought; she was laughing at how mean I really was. After that, every time we practiced together for an exam, I would have to excuse myself at some point to disappear outside and cry. She thought I was mean, surely my grammatical notes on the conversation must be seen as the ultimate insult to her being.

While I do suffer from moments of overconfidence, it must be said that my ego is rather fragile. I habitually build up a wall around myself in order to defend against offenses from every side. I try to anticipate the rejection before it comes, and at times I fear that this comes off as me being overly hostile.

Well, after a long hiatus from the internet (none of which made a splash in any way, shape or form on the larger blogosphere, so why I speak as though you know me, I'm not sure) I feel like a rise from the ashes- maybe not a phoenix, because I do not feel reborn, but maybe a steady, trustworthy pigeon. I am capable of domestication but there is a primal instinct in me that has no place in the space I've been given. I will explain myself periodically, but likely the content will be true to how I see myself. A lone linguistics nerd trying to find her place in the world.

Terrible Motivation

What would ever convince me to start doing this again?


It's amazing how much being back in school forces this laziness on me.